Trying To Find My Voice

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This post has been sitting and waiting to be published since December 16th because I haven’t been able to find my voice.   Plain and simple, I am hurting beyond words.  Always move forward, always press on, always smile and never let others see you down has been difficult this time.  Deciding to let go and post what I wrote the last time I went to care for my sister is a risk but I am hoping I can start to heal.  I am hoping it explains why I haven’t been myself lately…

 

December 16, 2010

Finding my voice means being able to write and express the goodness of life so that others may come to know Christ.  What a tall order for a sinner like me!  This week has been particularly hard to write and I am still trying to find the words for this post and debating whether I should write it or not.   It’s about cancer and what it does…it hurts terribly and my heart is breaking for my older sister.  I am so very sorry she is going through this perilous journey and has been for two years while battling Peripheral T-Cell Lymphoma.   There are two brand new grand babies  in her world that she  insisted on caring for while their moms returned to work so they wouldn’t be in day care as newborns.  Then there was the stem cell transplant that she underwent while my mother was diagnosed with cancer.  My mother passed away in two short months after diagnosis.   The lymphoma is under control; but,  now the transplant has caused a type of bone marrow cancer.  The drugs that could help her are not made in this country and are not being released to America right now.   Alternately, she is taking a treatment drug that causes dizziness, nausea and vomiting to the highest degree.  Overcoming double pneumonia and two infections with no immune system is nothing short of miraculous.   She just keeps beating the naysayers.  Her will to live is incredible and I desperately want her to live.  I want my sister back not just for me but for her.  We make plans when we are together.  We decorate and build houses in our minds.  We plan holidays and trips together.  We talk about graduations and weddings.  Mostly, we talk about Jesus and how much  he suffered for and because of us.  There are times when the pain is so intense, the vomiting doesn’t stop, her body is more fragile than ever and all I can offer is a cool wash cloth.   I crawl up beside her as gentle as I can and just hold her.  When she sees tears in my eyes she tells me again, “Jesus suffered more than me.”    I want to cry and cry, but I have to be strong because she is so strong.

Sandra, you are the bravest person I know.

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6 responses »

  1. So sorry to read about you families pain. Cancer is a horrid disease. I have participated with Team in Training’s fundraising (and marathon training) efforts for cancer research. Too many people are suffering. Blessings to you and your sister during this difficult time.

    • This was a post that I had been holding because it was so devastating during her last days. My sister passed away (the eulogy is on my blog, but an earlier post) and I am trying to make sense of all of this. I know one thing, the people like you who contribute to research and further the efforts for a cure are very important. I appreciate what you do! Thank you for commenting on the post. I stand in amazement how wonderful people are to reach out to others. My sister’s name was Sandra, too.

      • I’m sorry to read that your sister passed. May she rest in peace.

        I have only been a very small part of an effort to raise funds for research, but it has been rewarding.

  2. As always, you very eloquently found your voice and I know that to write it was the most difficult thing you’ve done in quite some time. I felt your pain and cried through it, as I hope you did because tears seem to work magic and cleanse us of the things we can not change and are so very hard to accept. Your sister was blessed beyond any measure we know to have you by her side. I know she is smiling down at you knowing that you will always be there for her family if they only reach out and call your name.

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